Women Discuss: Let Men Stray, So They Will Stay?

And the trophy goes to...

In a CNN discussion with a panel of women,  a show obviously targeting a female audience, the goal was to see if women need to be “rethinking wedded bliss in the 21st century.”

Rethink wedded bliss?  I wondered, whatever does that mean? It could mean one of two things:

   1.   women need to reclassify — so what they earlier considered as misery in their marriages they need to learn to see as bliss.

2.   girls who grew up with dreams of finding their “happily-ever after” in a fairytale wedding, need to find other venues of finding bliss because the wedding isn’t always the pathway to it.

Interestingly, it means no.1!!!  The topic of discussion was : Women’s insistence on monogamy is actually killing their marriages.  And if women let their husbands sleep with other women, and take a cool attitude towards it, they might it actually ‘save’ their marriages.

HOLLY HILL, author of Sugarbabe, explained why women actually need to make infidelity a negotiable option with their husbands. She said, “The only reason [marriage] is sacred is because … there’s old-fashioned rules that we’re obeying. And if you want to have a lifetime relationship with someone — which is what we all want — it’s about negotiating things within their nature and their biology.” 

HOLLY HILL’S explanation is based on what she sees as a fact“I think that cheating men are normal…Men are hard-wired to betray women on the long-term.”  Hill also claims that while men love her book Sugarbabe, women do so too because, “because what it says to women is that if your man cheats on you, he still loves you, and he’s probably running about average.”

WENTWORTH, an actress and wife of George Stephanopoulos said : “Men and women clearly are different, and we have different needs and men really biologically, physically, their urge is to spread their seed throughout the land, and ours is to kind of, you know, incubate. And when you put that in its very kind of specific scientific DNA kind of way, do we allow men because it is their physical urge to go out and have at it?”

By this point of the conversation I’m starting to see what the problem is.  These women are poorly informed!!  They think that the tendency to seek a variety in sexual partners is 1) a natural biological instinct in men 2) it is not a natural biological instinct in women.

But the fact is — yes, polygamy is a natural biological instinct.  But it is just as innate to women as to men!!  Moreover, not only is it natural to females, but studies show that females who tend to have multiple male mates, actually have healthier offsprings!!

I’m wondering what turn this conversation would have taken if at least one informed person in that panel had thrown in this information?  Also another point of curiosity here — why this insistence on allowing for infidelity in men because it is a biological/ natural instinct to preserve the marriage — which is an unnatural institution!! If the focus is on abiding by what nature dictates, then why is there such desperation to save what nature never intended?

Finally SARAH SYMONDS, on the panel,  an ‘Infidelity Analyst’ said:  “…. if you are negotiating with somebody you probably are in the wrong relationship. It’s a phenomenon that’s going over America. You know women are attracting to these wrong guys. And I hear from women every single day. It’s unbelievable.”

I think that is a more important question.  How have women—educated, professional, empowered women—-reached this stage, where they are actually discussing that by letting their husbands sleep around, they might actually ‘save’ their marriages and redefine their concept of bliss in life? Are men having similar conversations?  Are they saying, ‘If we let our wives sleep around, we can save our marriages and be happy?’  And if honoring the natural instinct is the way to go — we should not forget there are other biological instincts that are stronger, even more powerful.  The instinct to kill for instance! 

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  1. The marriage has lost its content.

    • Rita Banerji

       /  May 20, 2012

      @Peter — thanks for your question regarding whether I am familiar with matriarchal/matrilineal societies. I’m sorry I’ve not been able to get back onto Facebook yet, so I’m answering here. In India we do have matrilineal societies where property passes from mother to daughter, and the lineage name too. But even in these communities a man in the house is the ‘unofficial’ head! The women are often owners only on paper. In fact in the NE in many of these communities in India, the women end up working outside the house to support the husband who stays at home, and doesn’t do the house work either!

      • Originally it was the girls who chose this community as they would their children. Therefore, there was only sweet motherly society. But over time was a shortage of land, and so was the kings who shared the conquered land to their former soldiers and the girls were only allowed to marry forms soldiers. But today, times have changed, women can choose whether to have children or they will live as men. Most people choose to live as men and just sweet motherly society can survive in the future.
        The golden lotus was a female kingdom, in NE India and Burma that fell to the male king on the boundary between the Bronze Age and Iron Age. The female king and all the adult female princes were killed, only a small female prince escaped. I think it is time to her descendant returns to power.

  2. The important thing for a wife, as a woman is the close emotional relationships with other women and not the relationship with her ​​husband.
    If women behave like slaves to their husbands so they become part of the house’s furniture, and the ​​husband must find his love outside the home.
    If women make costly, so the men are forced to worship their wives, so the man does not need a mistress.


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